Breakdown

Oops disappeared again. Quite literally this time in my real life as well. Although I was having an actual breakdown again. I thought I was done with those but I guess not.

Since the pandemic, I moved back home with my parents and did school online. Over the last 6 months I’ve just been feeling so suffocated and like I couldn’t be truly me and happy in that household. I ignored it because that is how it has been for years.

However, one night it all came to a head and I decided enough was enough. Now I’m not claiming this was smart because I hurt a lot of people including myself in the process. But I packed a bag one morning and left without explanation. I really just wanted to get away from everyone and everything.

Of course, that isn’t really possible with technology connecting everyone. I know that this was also probably one of the worst ways to go about expressing my feelings but I had had enough. Eventually I came back, about a month later (late july) and things have been progressing slowly ever since.

I don’t think anyone really understands why I left. Although my family acknowledged my mental health suffering, they picked a lot of fights with me after about how I live my life. And how they disapproved of a lot of my decisions. This clearly is not helpful for anyone going through a rough time.

Now I’m back in school, finishing up my last year while going to therapy again to figure out my brain. The biggest problem is lack of open communication between my family and I. They love to completely ignore things that have happened. To sweep it under the rug, say “the past is in the past” and never really talk about what the issue was in the first place.

This is absolutely not a healthy way to deal with anything which I am coming to realize the hard way. However, I also know you can’t make people talk about and deal with things if they don’t want to. So the best I can do right now is deal with the traumas and experiences I need to, and make decisions based on what I want, not the pressures and expectations of others.

As someone once said, living for others in turn makes you miserable.

With love,

Your mental health Mathie ❤

Family and Forgiveness

Hi :)!

Okay so inspiration struck so this post is happening sooner than I expected lol.

Where I’m living we are currently in our third wave of COVID-19 and therefore our third lockdown. So life hasn’t changed a lot in the sense that I am still living with my parents and sister.

Everyone’s experience during lockdown has been different but for me it has not been that bad. My sister and I were close before lockdown and if anything it has only made us closer. However I do think that lockdown has provided the situation for me to connect with my parents more deeply. Of course even though living under their rules after having been moved out for school for 3 years is hard and we have had our fair share of fights, we have definitely grown closer over all.

My parents are good people at heart and sometimes because of my anger and rash decisions, I forget that they just want what is best for me. There is no doubt in my mind my parents love my sister and I more than anything. However, when they are unreasonably overprotective or don’t understand our mental health struggles, it feels like they don’t give a damn about us and just want to control us.

Living in such close proximity to them and sometimes going weeks with only seeing them and no one else in person has really given us the time to have conversations we might not have had otherwise. I’ve learned a lot about my parents’ past and have had a lot of time to reflect on how they became the people they are and why they are the way they are.

I think it’s these things that young adults and teenagers need to think about and realize when we get mad at our parents. Yes we all have valid reasons to be angry and upset, but in my opinion we have to consider how our parents grew up. They were raised in a different generation and if you look at the world then and now, we have radically changed.

Now I’m not trying to say every parents wrongdoings are forgivable (for example situations involving racism/discrimination which I consider basic human respect). But in my case(mental health and being controlling), my parents showed progress (over several years) and have always showed me unconditional love. To me that is enough for me to forgive them for their past mistakes on how they handled raising me and my mental health.

Which leads me to something I think is really important. Forgiveness. No matter how much we want to, we can’t change the past. We can only go forward. I’ve learned that forgiveness shouldn’t be done for the other person/people. It should be done for yourself.

Once you forgive someone, you start to let go of the hurt and anger you’re holding onto. And that is when you can finally truly start to move on with your life. A lot of people equate forgiveness with being on great terms with that person again. That doesn’t have to be the case. You can simply forgive someone and still keep them out of your life.

I have forgiven a few people in life, whom I have also realized I didn’t want in my life anymore. I didn’t want to give them the chance to be able to hurt me again. So although I forgave them for their past mistakes so that I could accept it, heal and move on, they are not in my life.

It’s kind of like saying “okay. This person hurt/upset me and I know it. But I’m going to take all this energy I have put into being mad at them and put into learning from that, making sure it doesn’t happen again and being happier.”

I realize that it sounds like a lot of mumbo jumbo but I truly believe in it. People often say that love is the most powerful emotion, however rage, if left to built, can be just as devastatingly powerful. And often time the person who upset you doesn’t even realize you’re holding on to all this resentment and you’re the one spending all your energy on them while they’re living their life.

Forgive, learn and grow so that you can live your best life.

With lots of love,

Your mental health Mathie 🙂