Breakdown

Oops disappeared again. Quite literally this time in my real life as well. Although I was having an actual breakdown again. I thought I was done with those but I guess not.

Since the pandemic, I moved back home with my parents and did school online. Over the last 6 months I’ve just been feeling so suffocated and like I couldn’t be truly me and happy in that household. I ignored it because that is how it has been for years.

However, one night it all came to a head and I decided enough was enough. Now I’m not claiming this was smart because I hurt a lot of people including myself in the process. But I packed a bag one morning and left without explanation. I really just wanted to get away from everyone and everything.

Of course, that isn’t really possible with technology connecting everyone. I know that this was also probably one of the worst ways to go about expressing my feelings but I had had enough. Eventually I came back, about a month later (late july) and things have been progressing slowly ever since.

I don’t think anyone really understands why I left. Although my family acknowledged my mental health suffering, they picked a lot of fights with me after about how I live my life. And how they disapproved of a lot of my decisions. This clearly is not helpful for anyone going through a rough time.

Now I’m back in school, finishing up my last year while going to therapy again to figure out my brain. The biggest problem is lack of open communication between my family and I. They love to completely ignore things that have happened. To sweep it under the rug, say “the past is in the past” and never really talk about what the issue was in the first place.

This is absolutely not a healthy way to deal with anything which I am coming to realize the hard way. However, I also know you can’t make people talk about and deal with things if they don’t want to. So the best I can do right now is deal with the traumas and experiences I need to, and make decisions based on what I want, not the pressures and expectations of others.

As someone once said, living for others in turn makes you miserable.

With love,

Your mental health Mathie ❤

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